Now that I was a Christian, the terror filled hopelessness was gone. But the depression was not. Charlie said I should read the Gospel of John and study God’s Word to learn more about Him. And he told me that prayer was simply talking to God like with anyone. I did these things, and grew and failed in many ways. But every time I failed God was faithful and He would always pick me up. I would always have His promises in His Word to keep me going. He always had me in His hands even when I failed. I still did not have many close friends. I would come home and practice my music for three to four hours most days. At the time that seemed ok, but in hindsight I should have gotten out more. On Saturday nights I would get in my mom’s car and listen to my favorite Christian music and drive alone on the back roads of East Texas for hours. I later did become a member of a church youth group and gained some friends. Even though I was a Christian, things at home became much much worse. The physical abuse of my mom was at it’s worst. But we were finally able to get mom away from my step dad.
I remember we moved into an efficiency apartment with only a tv, a chair, two beds and sheets for curtains. There were times when I would still sleep too much and I still struggled with massive insecurity and anxiety and fears of not being perfect. I was still fearful, but not the same kind as before I became a Christian. Now I had the promises from God’s Word to keep me going. I had Hope.
I chose the farthest college I could find to go to, to run away from home. I did very poorly in college. I only wanted to go to the classes that allowed me to play my instrument. I would over sleep often. Then we could not afford to send me to back the second year. Even though I knew the Lord I felt lost and aimless. Though you would not know it to see me, I was very lonely inside.
While I was at college I met a man named Clint. He was a member of the Navigators, an on campus Christian group. We worked at Pine Cove together one summer. My family was moving to South Texas, and he lived in Brownsville, Texas. He invited me to his church. I visited. I later became a part of their summer missions program. I was learning through all the ups and downs that God still loved me whether I failed or not and He had a plan for my life. Even if I did not. I could always trust Him. My life was starting to make sense again. I did not know that these small steps of faith would lead me to the next most important decision in my …whether i wanted to marry or stay single. Because of my background with my step dad I was terrified of men. God, my perfect, loving Father knew if I was to marry I not only needed a gentleman, but a Gentle Man. And He was about to introduce me to the one He had designed for me before the creation of the world….my precious Bobby.
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me. Isaiah 49:16